The garden of evil....

I am constantly intrigued by our humanity. Especially those of us who follow Christ. We are broken people who have the truth written before us.. statutes, principles, understandings.. and much of the time we dont follow those. Though we have given our life to Jesus we have a hard time trusting Him.
Trusting that a soft answer turns away wrath.. trusting that though we experience sadness, lonliness, or anxst in this world that He is good. Trusting that the best the way is to forgive and allow the restoration of Christ to heal our hearts.. instead we harbor bitterness or frustration at how things should be or should have been...
Today we go and see Holly's attacker.. in prison. The last time we saw him he was hugging family members as he was getting ready to begin serving his 8 year sentence. There was no gratification in his sentence.. just more pain that he chose actions.. that he was compulsed in such a way that has changed all our lives.. forever.
I remember him smiling on the stand.. saying he was a good samaritan that was only trying to "help" Holly.. that he was misunderstood.. that he was a good "normal" guy.. He laughed everyday of the trial with his girlfriend.. and I think that he thought and perhaps still thinks that he is normal and that he is a victim.
So now here is my heart.. so angry that he could do this.. so upset that there has been no remorse... so upset to see my best friend go through these things.. and yet I cannot turn away from the still small voice that says "forgive"
I know that forgiving someone does not mean that we sweeo what they have done under the carpet but instead that we see the horrendous debt that they have caused and that we lay that debt at God's feet and we say "take this and carry this burden" that we say they have no debt towrd us.. and the promise is that when we do that we will be restored... do I believe the promise.. I think on tuesdays and thrusdays.. but the rest of the week is a battle..
Do I desire God's restoration more then carrying the shield of bitterness and anger and anxst? I pray that I choose the Truth that has been set out before me.. I pray that the Lord can conovince me that HIs way is best.. I pray...

Immersed in a load of radical revelation

Well its been a whirlwind month and a half. My family took a step of faith and moved from Maui to Honolulu, HI. If you would have asked us 6 months ago if this was our plan we would NOT have said yes.. but the Lord knows what He has in store for us if we are willing to hear Him and be obedient. We were sad to leave our friends, YWAM Maui, our 5 minute walk to the beach, the lifestyle of Maui, etc, but we could not shake the fact that we had recieved this Macedonian call from Honolulu. It was a rough start as our kitty decided not only to throw up on the plane but roll around in it until we touched ground. A group of 5 staff picked up a family running fromk bathroom to bathroom trying to clean the kitty.. we weren't too succesful as the whole way to our new home we would get strong whiffs of cat puke....

We seemed to survive that night and ever since have been in awe of the "rightness" of us moving here. We cannot deny the peace that has invaded our life as we have launched out as a family in missions.

Bryan is working in maintenance, and has been a tremendous blessing here.. as he is a jack of all trades and will figure out what needs to be done to fix something.He is a man that is blessed with creative and artful skills. He helped the base director by laying tile in their new home and will be helping our new pastor in another tiling endeavor soon. He is getting accustomed to community life and all that that brings

Kieva has made new friends with kids on the base and loves having friends to play with all the time!!! He is loved here and thinks that all the aunties and uncles are here to play with him and love him....they do a great job at both!!

I have been immering myself in the word and in time with the Lord. as we draw closer to the beggining of this Prayer Seminar I am in awe of what the Lord is doing in my life. Once again filling me up with an insatiable hunger to spend time with Him just for the sake of His loveliness, We have 7 students as of today and are still recieiving phone calls and confirmations daily!!

The Lord let us know that this seminar was not about numbers or even big name speakers that would bring a large crowd but instead about those that have captured the understanding that more time in the presence of the Lord equals a greater Kingdom perspective. This equals out to greater love for our GOd and one another.. the first commandment. It also boils over into hearts filled with mercy and compassion, a willingness to give of ones whole self to the obedience of Christ and an eye for beauty that we cannot attain without Him.

I am excited to see what He is going to rock us a s a school and give us more radical revelation of Himself.

We serve a God that is absolutelyy amazing... a restoring, forgiving, loving, creative, wonderful God who has bent over backwards to communicate with us. I encourage you.. take some time today and bask in His presence.. there is only good thins waiting for you there!!

Load of a preschooler's clothes...

I love my son.. I mean, in itself this is an obvious statement... but I really really love him. It's as if we are going through a season of new appreciation. I love his little face.. his laugh.. his humor.. I love that he tries to be a jokester and that he is full of Joy the moment his eyes open in the morning. "The sun's up mom.. c'mon it's time to get up.. Can I have popcorn for breakfast? Do you think my show's on? MOM!!! I gotta pee.. can you get up with me please? " I love that he is a fish in water.. can skateboard and has a favorite "surf spot" Laniopoko.... I love that he greets everyone along the way of our walks through town... and that he is a man of tradition. We ALWAYS have to high five the plastic santa on the sidewalk and give him the "knuckles". We cannot miss it.. I love who the Lord has woven him together to be. I love getting butterfly kisses from him and hearing him say " Mom.. I love you!" for no other reason then to see me smile at him. I love that he loves to clean with me.. and I love when he sings worship songs while hip hop dancing... Lord .. help me to be the mom Kieva needs to bloom and shine.. for your kingdom and for your Glory.. Thank you for making him..crazy...but oh so delightful.

sweet smelling gratitude

Thank you Lord for your provision.. Thank you that when we doubt You it doesn't shake you up a bit. Thank you that you chase us with mercy and gladness. Thank you that you dream greater dreams for our life then we ever could. Thank you that when others give up on us You continue to come with Your truth, Your discipline.. and Your blessing. Thank you that You pursue.. and thank you that when we are so tired from lifes injustice, from our own imperfections, from others imperfections, and from miracles not yet happened You whisper beautiful truths in our ear....if we could only listen the first time and rest in the assurance of You .. oh how different would our lives be?! Lord.. to you be the Glory.. You take us from the ashes.. You deliver us from death, You turn our mourning into dancing....Only You.. Only You.

Load of Passion

Well . I am not doing so hot on this New Years resolution of writing on this thing once a month.. and I thought I was giving myself so much time.. ARGH!!!! but here I am once again.. Wondering.. Waiting.. Wanderlusting... (sigh)

I am wondering about passion...

I was listening to Beth Moore talk to young women in their early 20's and she asked them.. "Are you passionately pursuing the passions of your heart?" I was cleaning Kieva's playroom... micromanaging it, as my husband says... putting all the little animals with little animals, and balls with balls, and race cars with race cars when she dared to pose this question via podcast... and I stopped and said.. "Well.. not at this moment!!!!!!"

Are YOU passionately pursuing the passions of your heart? My first response is .. NO .. I am not.. When I think of passionately pursuing something I always envision myself in college.. or in SBS.. Then I think of myself as teaching, motivating others to draw as close to the Lord as possible in principle, in emotion, and in action. But am I passionately pursuing that? Man, I don't think so.. How do you balance passionate pursuit of that and being a good wife and being a good mom?

I even know some who would say that my passion should be my family... and they are.. I long to passionately love my husband in the way that I am called to.. to encourage, to respect, to help.... and to passionately love my son.. to bring him up not only in the principles of the Word but in an environment where he knows that he is loved and valued. But there is something missing in all of this..

My greatest desire still is that I would be hungry for God more then anything else in my life. Hungry to know Him intimately.. hungry to allow HIS tangible presence not only to encounter me at anytime and in anyplace but for that Presence to encounter those around me at anytime and anyplace. Am I truly passionate about that?! Sometimes I wonder.. I know there are times when I am passionate about being passionate....

So I am waiting .. again.. We say on outreach that we rush to wait.. and I feel that is what I am doing.. I am rushing to be ready and I am waiting .. waiting for the answers.. waiting on the Lord until He answers my questions about priorities, waiting to see the doors that He opens and the ones He shuts.... Waiting for His perfect timing and His timing is always interesting to me.

This year has been one of the toughest yet for our family. We continue to walk through battlegrounds that I wish not on any other person . And yet I have seen the Lord open doors to the desires of my heart this year. He says NOW.. and I say "Now?!" and then He repeats " NOW. " He continues to amaze me with His perspective... I had the privilege of speaking in the DTS here in Maui, and in a DTS in Kona, and then a for a DTS based in Oahu but outreach prepping in Kuaui.... All very radical. It's like standing beside yourself and seeing the Lord working through you and wondering if its real or not. On my flight to Kuaui I said "Lord, this has to be ALL you. I have nothing to give." in HIS perspective He knew what awaited those students and staff.. HIM. As we watched the tangible presence of the Holy Spirit bring revelationa after revelation we all stood back and said "Our God is ALWAYS on time and NEVER late" Ashes into cries of Jubilation, Mourning into dancing, Anxt into peace ... I am feeling the rumbling of change under my feet...

but again I am reminded.. no matter where I stand.. or no matter where those rumblings take our family... only passionate pursuit of Christ causes true and good fruit to be brought forth. The Wanderlust can take you anywhere but HIS presence can take us everywhere.. to places we did not even know existed...

A whole new world....

For the last month and a half I have been living in a whole new world.. It's called the Census Bureau!!!!! I was truly blessed with this job as my husband has beeen struggling to find any sort of stone or even tile work. It has been what I call " a soft landing" from the YWAM world that I am use to, and believe me I am very very thankful for that.
The first four weeks were CRAZY!!! My family was trying to adjust to me being gone.. my son would hang on my leg every morning and beg me not to leave.. and my husband was trying to figure out what his new role in this whole thing was... It has been good for all us though... it has given us better understanding of what the other is walking through all day long and I think my little son not only appreciates his time with mommy more but also loves all the beach, fishing, and fort making time that he is getting with daddy.
I continue to appreciate any of you who have supported me and my family, in the past, with YWAM or are supporting us at this time. I appreciate your hard earned dollar and all the love that goes into your support of what God is doing through me and my family at this base.
I have scaled down my responsibilities this quarter from the past quarters. The last few quarters I have had the pleasure of running two growth groups and walking alongside the young women here who are maturing and progressing in their relationships with the Lord. I am meeting with three young women who are some of the main leaders on the base and this is proving to be such a different time. Because I have had relationship with each of them for years it is so easy for us to go deep and call out the Godly potential in one another. I am blessed by these young women who are real and honest and so desiring Godly perspective.
My Census Job will end in about two or three weeks and then I am not going to know what to do with myself!!! I have one friend who continues to let me know that I need to start support raising again and that is in the forefront of my mind. I know I am called to missions.. I know the Lord has amazing things for us as a family.. and yet which step do we take first?
We are still in the middle of "transition" in our family life. I appreciate Mike Bickle and his thoughts on transition and that this "phase " can last many many years. I can truly say that I am ready for this transition to be over and for us to move forward.. whatever that means.
I believe that from this time my husband and I will be able to understand what vision the Lord has for us as a family. We are still believing that we will be in Kona soon.. but what "soon" looks like.. we are still not sure of.. Our hope is Him and knowing Him in the depths..... sometimes the cliff jump into the depths can be breathtaking and heartstopping... but we are willing to take that plunge.. Prepare us for the next part of this "transition"

Focusing on the laundry already washed

Literally I have about 10 loads of laundry that must be done by the end of this weekend. I feel like if I am not on that pile it just gets overwhelming.. and its so the same in my spiritual life. I realize that too many times I store my dirty spiritual laundry in a pile and then I bring it all up to the Lord on that one fateful day that I can't take it anymore.
I woke up tonight to talk with the Lord about so many things I didn't even know where to begin.. so I did what I have to do with 10 loads.. I started the sorting process. This "fear" in the "fear pile". Then I found some items that belonged in the "angst" pile and so on and so forth. Once it was all put into the right piles it actually did not seem as overwhelming and I felt like I could actually get through it.
Isn't it funny though, we still have to choose to pick up those baskets and take them to the machines.. load them in with the proper detergents and push the "start" button. I find that even sometimes I sort the pile and then don't pick up each basket and hand then to the Lord but instead i just keep the there until tomorrow.. when I am not so tired or not so overwhelmed by the smell.
So as i was depositing my laundry in that ever faithful machine that washes every piece of dirt away I was just thinking about how many piles of this laundry that my God has been faithful in washing and cleansing. There have been times in my life when every pile was soaked with so much stench that i am surprised there was anything redeemable there. In His laundry mat I can bring clothes that have grease stains that are too big for "spray and wash" and I can put ripped up items, and stretched out things and when I take them out of the dryer they are not only as good as new.. but they look like they were just purchased. So crisp and shiny none would ever know that there was a rip, stain, or stretch anywhere.
So as I handed my fears and angst.. as i filled that washing machine with my tears and declarations I was reminded of how faithful and He has been all these years, not only to me but to all of the friends around me.
We serve an amazing awesome God is so for us we cannot even begin to comprehend Him. He so desires for us to bring every grimy and unfix able thing in out lives and hands us back garments that are more beautiful then before. That fit better then we could ever imagine.
In the midst of it... I will keep my eyes on the prize, Jesus Christ. He has NEVER failed me nor left. He is always available to hear my thoughts, ideas, fears, laughter, hopes, dreams, and even disappointments. He ALWAYS let me trade in my perspective for His..
So though I still have about 10 loads to physically take to the laundry mat I have taken all ten loads of my spiritual life to Him.. He even put my clothes on the gentle cycle.. and already has begun to hand them back to me.. full of beautiful fragrance and cleaner then ever before.
So Lord I just say"thank you" that You are for me and not against.. I declare again that I will not hear that old voice that says that I my clothes are too dirty or beyond repair and I will keep bringing them to you and trusting that your ever faithful and gentle hand. Thank you that my spiritual clothing closet is so full of freshly washed garments..
"Where else does my help come from?"

Valentines

Thank you Kieva for being my son. I love that you can be so sick yet so funny and still so willing to laugh and have a good time.. wish we could have gotten daddy in the photos!!! Happy Valentines to us .. the sickies

Mandatory 20 year sentence

Putting my make-up on and trying desperately to find an outfit were the least of my worries as my emotions seemed to be running rampant. As I paced around my room I just kept asking myself, outloud, "What does one wear to hear another persons fate?".
After I finally got myself together I began the emotional drive to the courthouse. This was it , the moment that we had been waiting for and I was unprepared for the sadness that I was experiencing . Actual sadness for this young man.. on one hand I wanted him to spend time in jail and rehab for what he had done to my friend and then on the other I just kept thinking how he was throwing a part of his lifetime away.
Then I began pondering again the million dollar question, "What makes someone have a sick and awful compulsion to HAVE to hold and grab and touch someone thay have never met?!" He was in dark clothing that night and I truly believe that he had been stalking my friend.. waiting for the perfect moment to carry out his sick plan.
Jessica, Ruth, and myself all sat together in the courtroom trying to stay calm as we waited for the verdict. I felt my stress mounting as I sat there staring at the side of his face and the back of his head. He was somber but smiling and I could tell that he thought and hoped the verdict would be somehow in his favor.
His mother sat behind him by herself. She looked numb and tired. I cannot imagine how heart wrenching this has all been for her... I began thinking about his family and how they believed his story. They truly thought and ,think that this is all a mistake, a misunderstanding a miscalculation of events. They believe that James fell on top of Holly on accident and that she just misunderstood his help for harm. I wonder if they still believe him.
I was told that in many court cases there is first a verdict hearing and then a few months later comes the sentencing. Based on this knowledge I assumed that we would hear the verdict and then all go home.. including her attacker. I thought this process would be straight forward and take about 10 minutes.
When the judge came in he looked serious and somber. He got straight down to buisness and in about five minutes after his arrival we heard the verdict. Guilty of kidnapping. I was shocked. I thought he would be guilty of something but I thought this judge would give him a lesser offense.. because her attcker is so young. Wow was I wrong. This conviction comes with a mandatory 20 year sentence. while the judge talked my eyes stayed glued to the back of James's head. I found myself trying to see his response.
His lawyer was visibly shaken. He looked like he was going into a state of shock. Then came the next verdict. Guilty of sexual assault. This was to a lesser degree then they had charged him but can carry a five year sentence on it's own. The Judge went on to explain that he believe that Mr. Carvalho- Apo did not let Holly go until he was forced to by Jason Prior.
I saw his lawyer lean over and ask him if he was ok. He seemed to shake his head in a "yes" response to her. The Robert, holly's lawyer stood up and asked that his bail increase, from 150,000.00 that his family had already posted to 500,000.00. Robert said he feared that James would hurt himself, flee, or harm again if he was released. His lawyer asked the judge to not increase the bail since he had been "good" for the last 18 months and was trying to plan a wedding to his girlfriend!!!!!!! The judge then increased the bail by 100,000.00 dollars saying that he was not sure how James would react once it settled in that he had been convicted of these crimes.
This is when I begin to cry. I see two court bailiffs come in to guard the entrance and exit of the courtroom. It starts dawning o me that there is no way this kid is going to see freedom again for at least the next 10 to 20 years. I actually believe that I began feeling part of his anxiety that this is it.. there is no going home and getting that one last kiss from his girl, or eat that one last favorite thing.. or anything. This is it.. the time behind bars is beginning .
I cry for my friend who was horribly attacked.. and has to live with those memories for the rest of her life. I cry for his sickness that led him to delusional and sick thinking throughout this whole process. I cry for the miracle that holly is still here with us... and that it really could have been a different story written here.
There are no winners in situations like these.. I know that the word says that the Lord will make ALL things work together for the good to those that love and obey Him. I believe it and in that I can say Holly is a winner but I know that she will live with the physical wrestling of him in the past and will have days that she wrestles with the idea that this young man has changed his destiny by making an insane and degenerate choice.
Have mercy on us all ....

New thoughts in a new year

Well I thought that since one of my , unformal.. in my mind, resolutions was to write on my blog at least once a month this year that I better get started.. I have been inspired by many of my blogging friends.. and of course those friends who yell at me for not keeping in touch!!
Every year I have a fantasy that "this year" will be the year that EVERYTHING goes perfect for at least a month.. and then every year around the 18th I realize that my fantasy is fading quickly. I think it's funny that I'm 38 and I am still awaiting "perfection" here in this imperfect place. So another one of my resolutions this year is to forge forth with the dreams and with the resolutions whether perfection seems to lead or fall to the wayside.
I have also decided to begin wearing my "no complaining " bracelet that my my best friend Holly ordered for me ( and one for her) about a year and a half ago.. it's been sitting in my jewlery box waiting for a "perfect" time in my life to wear it.. hahaha . I am actually laughing out loud at myself right now. I really NEVER understood what an ideaslist and perfectionist that I am . So with this bracelet the idea is to wear it on one wrist for 21 days straight!! Everytime that I complain I have to switch it over to the other wrist and start it all over!!! Seriously, HELP ME JESUS!! So if I seem overly optimistic in times of doubt or trouble you know that not only am I spending time reading my bible and times of meditation on God's word or with the Lord BUT I am also wearing my ever so friendly purple reminder to be thankful.
I am ready to really get this idea that life is 10% circumstance and 90% attitude!
I think the big thing will be figuring out the difference between "not complaining" and "mourning".. because I do believe that it is Biblical to mourn.. and so I think my subject is about "mourning with those who mourn" and not 'complaining".
I am not sure if everyone is aware that my 100 lb, 4'11, best friend was attcked last year, while running, by a 270 lb, 5'10, local boy. We are in the middle of going through his trial right now. He slammed her body to the ground, began accosting her and dragging her toward his vehicle. We believe that his intent was to rape and kidnap her. I sat through the trial since Holly, a witness, could not be in there. It has been one of the hardest things that I have ever sat through. We actually were able to hear hear his confession. He said that he saw her and had to "hold her and touch her". SICK! Hearing his lawyer trying to say that everyone has the wrong interpretation of what happened. Hearing him say that Holly actually tripped and that he, a concerned, citizen , was dragging her behind a wall so she would not get run over by cars. .. and that the his confession was given because he was scared of the police and didnt understand his miranda rights. As a sat and listened to this I was literally shaking from the anger racing through my body!
So we are now waiting for closing arguments to happen this week and then the verdict. Please be praying for Holly.. that she would stop seeing images of him everytime she goes out for a run and pray for him, that he would understand just how sick he is so that he can get some much needed help.. and give his life over to God.
You know, I am thankful that my friend has clutched on to the Lord through all of this. He has been her rock and her refuge. So I am thankful, that my best friend is still alive.. and still as crazy, opinionated, giving, stubborn, and beautiful , as ever.