Well . I am not doing so hot on this New Years resolution of writing on this thing once a month.. and I thought I was giving myself so much time.. ARGH!!!! but here I am once again.. Wondering.. Waiting.. Wanderlusting... (sigh)
I am wondering about passion...
I was listening to Beth Moore talk to young women in their early 20's and she asked them.. "Are you passionately pursuing the passions of your heart?" I was cleaning Kieva's playroom... micromanaging it, as my husband says... putting all the little animals with little animals, and balls with balls, and race cars with race cars when she dared to pose this question via podcast... and I stopped and said.. "Well.. not at this moment!!!!!!"
Are YOU passionately pursuing the passions of your heart? My first response is .. NO .. I am not.. When I think of passionately pursuing something I always envision myself in college.. or in SBS.. Then I think of myself as teaching, motivating others to draw as close to the Lord as possible in principle, in emotion, and in action. But am I passionately pursuing that? Man, I don't think so.. How do you balance passionate pursuit of that and being a good wife and being a good mom?
I even know some who would say that my passion should be my family... and they are.. I long to passionately love my husband in the way that I am called to.. to encourage, to respect, to help.... and to passionately love my son.. to bring him up not only in the principles of the Word but in an environment where he knows that he is loved and valued. But there is something missing in all of this..
My greatest desire still is that I would be hungry for God more then anything else in my life. Hungry to know Him intimately.. hungry to allow HIS tangible presence not only to encounter me at anytime and in anyplace but for that Presence to encounter those around me at anytime and anyplace. Am I truly passionate about that?! Sometimes I wonder.. I know there are times when I am passionate about being passionate....
So I am waiting .. again.. We say on outreach that we rush to wait.. and I feel that is what I am doing.. I am rushing to be ready and I am waiting .. waiting for the answers.. waiting on the Lord until He answers my questions about priorities, waiting to see the doors that He opens and the ones He shuts.... Waiting for His perfect timing and His timing is always interesting to me.
This year has been one of the toughest yet for our family. We continue to walk through battlegrounds that I wish not on any other person . And yet I have seen the Lord open doors to the desires of my heart this year. He says NOW.. and I say "Now?!" and then He repeats " NOW. " He continues to amaze me with His perspective... I had the privilege of speaking in the DTS here in Maui, and in a DTS in Kona, and then a for a DTS based in Oahu but outreach prepping in Kuaui.... All very radical. It's like standing beside yourself and seeing the Lord working through you and wondering if its real or not. On my flight to Kuaui I said "Lord, this has to be ALL you. I have nothing to give." in HIS perspective He knew what awaited those students and staff.. HIM. As we watched the tangible presence of the Holy Spirit bring revelationa after revelation we all stood back and said "Our God is ALWAYS on time and NEVER late" Ashes into cries of Jubilation, Mourning into dancing, Anxt into peace ... I am feeling the rumbling of change under my feet...
but again I am reminded.. no matter where I stand.. or no matter where those rumblings take our family... only passionate pursuit of Christ causes true and good fruit to be brought forth. The Wanderlust can take you anywhere but HIS presence can take us everywhere.. to places we did not even know existed...
