Literally I have about 10 loads of laundry that must be done by the end of this weekend. I feel like if I am not on that pile it just gets overwhelming.. and its so the same in my spiritual life. I realize that too many times I store my dirty spiritual laundry in a pile and then I bring it all up to the Lord on that one fateful day that I can't take it anymore.
I woke up tonight to talk with the Lord about so many things I didn't even know where to begin.. so I did what I have to do with 10 loads.. I started the sorting process. This "fear" in the "fear pile". Then I found some items that belonged in the "angst" pile and so on and so forth. Once it was all put into the right piles it actually did not seem as overwhelming and I felt like I could actually get through it.
Isn't it funny though, we still have to choose to pick up those baskets and take them to the machines.. load them in with the proper detergents and push the "start" button. I find that even sometimes I sort the pile and then don't pick up each basket and hand then to the Lord but instead i just keep the there until tomorrow.. when I am not so tired or not so overwhelmed by the smell.
So as i was depositing my laundry in that ever faithful machine that washes every piece of dirt away I was just thinking about how many piles of this laundry that my God has been faithful in washing and cleansing. There have been times in my life when every pile was soaked with so much stench that i am surprised there was anything redeemable there. In His laundry mat I can bring clothes that have grease stains that are too big for "spray and wash" and I can put ripped up items, and stretched out things and when I take them out of the dryer they are not only as good as new.. but they look like they were just purchased. So crisp and shiny none would ever know that there was a rip, stain, or stretch anywhere.
So as I handed my fears and angst.. as i filled that washing machine with my tears and declarations I was reminded of how faithful and He has been all these years, not only to me but to all of the friends around me.
We serve an amazing awesome God is so for us we cannot even begin to comprehend Him. He so desires for us to bring every grimy and unfix able thing in out lives and hands us back garments that are more beautiful then before. That fit better then we could ever imagine.
In the midst of it... I will keep my eyes on the prize, Jesus Christ. He has NEVER failed me nor left. He is always available to hear my thoughts, ideas, fears, laughter, hopes, dreams, and even disappointments. He ALWAYS let me trade in my perspective for His..
So though I still have about 10 loads to physically take to the laundry mat I have taken all ten loads of my spiritual life to Him.. He even put my clothes on the gentle cycle.. and already has begun to hand them back to me.. full of beautiful fragrance and cleaner then ever before.
So Lord I just say"thank you" that You are for me and not against.. I declare again that I will not hear that old voice that says that I my clothes are too dirty or beyond repair and I will keep bringing them to you and trusting that your ever faithful and gentle hand. Thank you that my spiritual clothing closet is so full of freshly washed garments..
"Where else does my help come from?"
21 February, 2009
14 February, 2009
Valentines
31 January, 2009
Mandatory 20 year sentence
Putting my make-up on and trying desperately to find an outfit were the least of my worries as my emotions seemed to be running rampant. As I paced around my room I just kept asking myself, outloud, "What does one wear to hear another persons fate?".
After I finally got myself together I began the emotional drive to the courthouse. This was it , the moment that we had been waiting for and I was unprepared for the sadness that I was experiencing . Actual sadness for this young man.. on one hand I wanted him to spend time in jail and rehab for what he had done to my friend and then on the other I just kept thinking how he was throwing a part of his lifetime away.
Then I began pondering again the million dollar question, "What makes someone have a sick and awful compulsion to HAVE to hold and grab and touch someone thay have never met?!" He was in dark clothing that night and I truly believe that he had been stalking my friend.. waiting for the perfect moment to carry out his sick plan.
Jessica, Ruth, and myself all sat together in the courtroom trying to stay calm as we waited for the verdict. I felt my stress mounting as I sat there staring at the side of his face and the back of his head. He was somber but smiling and I could tell that he thought and hoped the verdict would be somehow in his favor.
His mother sat behind him by herself. She looked numb and tired. I cannot imagine how heart wrenching this has all been for her... I began thinking about his family and how they believed his story. They truly thought and ,think that this is all a mistake, a misunderstanding a miscalculation of events. They believe that James fell on top of Holly on accident and that she just misunderstood his help for harm. I wonder if they still believe him.
I was told that in many court cases there is first a verdict hearing and then a few months later comes the sentencing. Based on this knowledge I assumed that we would hear the verdict and then all go home.. including her attacker. I thought this process would be straight forward and take about 10 minutes.
When the judge came in he looked serious and somber. He got straight down to buisness and in about five minutes after his arrival we heard the verdict. Guilty of kidnapping. I was shocked. I thought he would be guilty of something but I thought this judge would give him a lesser offense.. because her attcker is so young. Wow was I wrong. This conviction comes with a mandatory 20 year sentence. while the judge talked my eyes stayed glued to the back of James's head. I found myself trying to see his response.
His lawyer was visibly shaken. He looked like he was going into a state of shock. Then came the next verdict. Guilty of sexual assault. This was to a lesser degree then they had charged him but can carry a five year sentence on it's own. The Judge went on to explain that he believe that Mr. Carvalho- Apo did not let Holly go until he was forced to by Jason Prior.
I saw his lawyer lean over and ask him if he was ok. He seemed to shake his head in a "yes" response to her. The Robert, holly's lawyer stood up and asked that his bail increase, from 150,000.00 that his family had already posted to 500,000.00. Robert said he feared that James would hurt himself, flee, or harm again if he was released. His lawyer asked the judge to not increase the bail since he had been "good" for the last 18 months and was trying to plan a wedding to his girlfriend!!!!!!! The judge then increased the bail by 100,000.00 dollars saying that he was not sure how James would react once it settled in that he had been convicted of these crimes.
This is when I begin to cry. I see two court bailiffs come in to guard the entrance and exit of the courtroom. It starts dawning o me that there is no way this kid is going to see freedom again for at least the next 10 to 20 years. I actually believe that I began feeling part of his anxiety that this is it.. there is no going home and getting that one last kiss from his girl, or eat that one last favorite thing.. or anything. This is it.. the time behind bars is beginning .
I cry for my friend who was horribly attacked.. and has to live with those memories for the rest of her life. I cry for his sickness that led him to delusional and sick thinking throughout this whole process. I cry for the miracle that holly is still here with us... and that it really could have been a different story written here.
There are no winners in situations like these.. I know that the word says that the Lord will make ALL things work together for the good to those that love and obey Him. I believe it and in that I can say Holly is a winner but I know that she will live with the physical wrestling of him in the past and will have days that she wrestles with the idea that this young man has changed his destiny by making an insane and degenerate choice.
Have mercy on us all ....
After I finally got myself together I began the emotional drive to the courthouse. This was it , the moment that we had been waiting for and I was unprepared for the sadness that I was experiencing . Actual sadness for this young man.. on one hand I wanted him to spend time in jail and rehab for what he had done to my friend and then on the other I just kept thinking how he was throwing a part of his lifetime away.
Then I began pondering again the million dollar question, "What makes someone have a sick and awful compulsion to HAVE to hold and grab and touch someone thay have never met?!" He was in dark clothing that night and I truly believe that he had been stalking my friend.. waiting for the perfect moment to carry out his sick plan.
Jessica, Ruth, and myself all sat together in the courtroom trying to stay calm as we waited for the verdict. I felt my stress mounting as I sat there staring at the side of his face and the back of his head. He was somber but smiling and I could tell that he thought and hoped the verdict would be somehow in his favor.
His mother sat behind him by herself. She looked numb and tired. I cannot imagine how heart wrenching this has all been for her... I began thinking about his family and how they believed his story. They truly thought and ,think that this is all a mistake, a misunderstanding a miscalculation of events. They believe that James fell on top of Holly on accident and that she just misunderstood his help for harm. I wonder if they still believe him.
I was told that in many court cases there is first a verdict hearing and then a few months later comes the sentencing. Based on this knowledge I assumed that we would hear the verdict and then all go home.. including her attacker. I thought this process would be straight forward and take about 10 minutes.
When the judge came in he looked serious and somber. He got straight down to buisness and in about five minutes after his arrival we heard the verdict. Guilty of kidnapping. I was shocked. I thought he would be guilty of something but I thought this judge would give him a lesser offense.. because her attcker is so young. Wow was I wrong. This conviction comes with a mandatory 20 year sentence. while the judge talked my eyes stayed glued to the back of James's head. I found myself trying to see his response.
His lawyer was visibly shaken. He looked like he was going into a state of shock. Then came the next verdict. Guilty of sexual assault. This was to a lesser degree then they had charged him but can carry a five year sentence on it's own. The Judge went on to explain that he believe that Mr. Carvalho- Apo did not let Holly go until he was forced to by Jason Prior.
I saw his lawyer lean over and ask him if he was ok. He seemed to shake his head in a "yes" response to her. The Robert, holly's lawyer stood up and asked that his bail increase, from 150,000.00 that his family had already posted to 500,000.00. Robert said he feared that James would hurt himself, flee, or harm again if he was released. His lawyer asked the judge to not increase the bail since he had been "good" for the last 18 months and was trying to plan a wedding to his girlfriend!!!!!!! The judge then increased the bail by 100,000.00 dollars saying that he was not sure how James would react once it settled in that he had been convicted of these crimes.
This is when I begin to cry. I see two court bailiffs come in to guard the entrance and exit of the courtroom. It starts dawning o me that there is no way this kid is going to see freedom again for at least the next 10 to 20 years. I actually believe that I began feeling part of his anxiety that this is it.. there is no going home and getting that one last kiss from his girl, or eat that one last favorite thing.. or anything. This is it.. the time behind bars is beginning .
I cry for my friend who was horribly attacked.. and has to live with those memories for the rest of her life. I cry for his sickness that led him to delusional and sick thinking throughout this whole process. I cry for the miracle that holly is still here with us... and that it really could have been a different story written here.
There are no winners in situations like these.. I know that the word says that the Lord will make ALL things work together for the good to those that love and obey Him. I believe it and in that I can say Holly is a winner but I know that she will live with the physical wrestling of him in the past and will have days that she wrestles with the idea that this young man has changed his destiny by making an insane and degenerate choice.
Have mercy on us all ....
18 January, 2009
New thoughts in a new year
Well I thought that since one of my , unformal.. in my mind, resolutions was to write on my blog at least once a month this year that I better get started.. I have been inspired by many of my blogging friends.. and of course those friends who yell at me for not keeping in touch!!
Every year I have a fantasy that "this year" will be the year that EVERYTHING goes perfect for at least a month.. and then every year around the 18th I realize that my fantasy is fading quickly. I think it's funny that I'm 38 and I am still awaiting "perfection" here in this imperfect place. So another one of my resolutions this year is to forge forth with the dreams and with the resolutions whether perfection seems to lead or fall to the wayside.
I have also decided to begin wearing my "no complaining " bracelet that my my best friend Holly ordered for me ( and one for her) about a year and a half ago.. it's been sitting in my jewlery box waiting for a "perfect" time in my life to wear it.. hahaha . I am actually laughing out loud at myself right now. I really NEVER understood what an ideaslist and perfectionist that I am . So with this bracelet the idea is to wear it on one wrist for 21 days straight!! Everytime that I complain I have to switch it over to the other wrist and start it all over!!! Seriously, HELP ME JESUS!! So if I seem overly optimistic in times of doubt or trouble you know that not only am I spending time reading my bible and times of meditation on God's word or with the Lord BUT I am also wearing my ever so friendly purple reminder to be thankful.
I am ready to really get this idea that life is 10% circumstance and 90% attitude!
I think the big thing will be figuring out the difference between "not complaining" and "mourning".. because I do believe that it is Biblical to mourn.. and so I think my subject is about "mourning with those who mourn" and not 'complaining".
I am not sure if everyone is aware that my 100 lb, 4'11, best friend was attcked last year, while running, by a 270 lb, 5'10, local boy. We are in the middle of going through his trial right now. He slammed her body to the ground, began accosting her and dragging her toward his vehicle. We believe that his intent was to rape and kidnap her. I sat through the trial since Holly, a witness, could not be in there. It has been one of the hardest things that I have ever sat through. We actually were able to hear hear his confession. He said that he saw her and had to "hold her and touch her". SICK! Hearing his lawyer trying to say that everyone has the wrong interpretation of what happened. Hearing him say that Holly actually tripped and that he, a concerned, citizen , was dragging her behind a wall so she would not get run over by cars. .. and that the his confession was given because he was scared of the police and didnt understand his miranda rights. As a sat and listened to this I was literally shaking from the anger racing through my body!
So we are now waiting for closing arguments to happen this week and then the verdict. Please be praying for Holly.. that she would stop seeing images of him everytime she goes out for a run and pray for him, that he would understand just how sick he is so that he can get some much needed help.. and give his life over to God.
You know, I am thankful that my friend has clutched on to the Lord through all of this. He has been her rock and her refuge. So I am thankful, that my best friend is still alive.. and still as crazy, opinionated, giving, stubborn, and beautiful , as ever.
Every year I have a fantasy that "this year" will be the year that EVERYTHING goes perfect for at least a month.. and then every year around the 18th I realize that my fantasy is fading quickly. I think it's funny that I'm 38 and I am still awaiting "perfection" here in this imperfect place. So another one of my resolutions this year is to forge forth with the dreams and with the resolutions whether perfection seems to lead or fall to the wayside.
I have also decided to begin wearing my "no complaining " bracelet that my my best friend Holly ordered for me ( and one for her) about a year and a half ago.. it's been sitting in my jewlery box waiting for a "perfect" time in my life to wear it.. hahaha . I am actually laughing out loud at myself right now. I really NEVER understood what an ideaslist and perfectionist that I am . So with this bracelet the idea is to wear it on one wrist for 21 days straight!! Everytime that I complain I have to switch it over to the other wrist and start it all over!!! Seriously, HELP ME JESUS!! So if I seem overly optimistic in times of doubt or trouble you know that not only am I spending time reading my bible and times of meditation on God's word or with the Lord BUT I am also wearing my ever so friendly purple reminder to be thankful.
I am ready to really get this idea that life is 10% circumstance and 90% attitude!
I think the big thing will be figuring out the difference between "not complaining" and "mourning".. because I do believe that it is Biblical to mourn.. and so I think my subject is about "mourning with those who mourn" and not 'complaining".
I am not sure if everyone is aware that my 100 lb, 4'11, best friend was attcked last year, while running, by a 270 lb, 5'10, local boy. We are in the middle of going through his trial right now. He slammed her body to the ground, began accosting her and dragging her toward his vehicle. We believe that his intent was to rape and kidnap her. I sat through the trial since Holly, a witness, could not be in there. It has been one of the hardest things that I have ever sat through. We actually were able to hear hear his confession. He said that he saw her and had to "hold her and touch her". SICK! Hearing his lawyer trying to say that everyone has the wrong interpretation of what happened. Hearing him say that Holly actually tripped and that he, a concerned, citizen , was dragging her behind a wall so she would not get run over by cars. .. and that the his confession was given because he was scared of the police and didnt understand his miranda rights. As a sat and listened to this I was literally shaking from the anger racing through my body!
So we are now waiting for closing arguments to happen this week and then the verdict. Please be praying for Holly.. that she would stop seeing images of him everytime she goes out for a run and pray for him, that he would understand just how sick he is so that he can get some much needed help.. and give his life over to God.
You know, I am thankful that my friend has clutched on to the Lord through all of this. He has been her rock and her refuge. So I am thankful, that my best friend is still alive.. and still as crazy, opinionated, giving, stubborn, and beautiful , as ever.
09 September, 2008
Clothes full of mar and distress
Sigh... I just got done watching video footage that average americans filmed as 9/11 was happening. It took me back to that horrible morning 7 years ago.... waking up in Nebraska.. on my way to school in Colorado.. Turning on the television just in time to see the airplane crash into the second building.. It was so unreal and so unbelievable.
Watching it this time.. knowing the outcome .. was even harder the the first time. I knew I would see faces of firemen that went into the tower right before it collapsed. I knew I would see people hanging from the side of the World Trade tower only to fall to their death. I felt their desperation at being stuck in an inferno hundreds of floors off the ground. I knew I would here the authorities tell people in tower two to go back top their offices..
I didn't know that the sound of bodies landing on the ground would be heard. I underestimated the helplessness I would feel .. again.. as I watched someone wave a flag from the top of one of the towers.. so desperate to be helped.. I wonder who he was or what was he thinking? what was his job? How important was he in the heiarchey of the World Trade center? Who is missing him today and how many lives were changed by that one loss?
Holly and I were traveling together that day.. and we discussed turning around and going to ground zero but felt that the Lord was asking us to stay on track to Colorado.
I didn't see all the footage that the average joe did because we were driving all day.. and then when we arrived to our friends house we watched and cried... but it was all past information. I spent the next three months in the mountains praying and interceding for our country and for those in Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq... etc.. We prayed for Gods intervention and perspective of this horrible horrible attack.
I didnt have T.V. access so I didn't watch the news everyday like the rest of the nation. I was not inendated with fear, or with human perspective.. and I must admit that at that time I was thankful to not be able to sit for hours and watch.
So really today was the first time I sat and watched and lived through the day....
Oh God that we would understand how precious life is.. and that you would be with every woman who lost a lover, every man who lost a lover, every child who lost a mother or a father or grandmother or grandfather. Wrap yourself around every mother who lost a son or a daughter and every father who could not rescue his child or children. Hide them under your wing and bring mercy to them...
Watching it this time.. knowing the outcome .. was even harder the the first time. I knew I would see faces of firemen that went into the tower right before it collapsed. I knew I would see people hanging from the side of the World Trade tower only to fall to their death. I felt their desperation at being stuck in an inferno hundreds of floors off the ground. I knew I would here the authorities tell people in tower two to go back top their offices..
I didn't know that the sound of bodies landing on the ground would be heard. I underestimated the helplessness I would feel .. again.. as I watched someone wave a flag from the top of one of the towers.. so desperate to be helped.. I wonder who he was or what was he thinking? what was his job? How important was he in the heiarchey of the World Trade center? Who is missing him today and how many lives were changed by that one loss?
Holly and I were traveling together that day.. and we discussed turning around and going to ground zero but felt that the Lord was asking us to stay on track to Colorado.
I didn't see all the footage that the average joe did because we were driving all day.. and then when we arrived to our friends house we watched and cried... but it was all past information. I spent the next three months in the mountains praying and interceding for our country and for those in Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq... etc.. We prayed for Gods intervention and perspective of this horrible horrible attack.
I didnt have T.V. access so I didn't watch the news everyday like the rest of the nation. I was not inendated with fear, or with human perspective.. and I must admit that at that time I was thankful to not be able to sit for hours and watch.
So really today was the first time I sat and watched and lived through the day....
Oh God that we would understand how precious life is.. and that you would be with every woman who lost a lover, every man who lost a lover, every child who lost a mother or a father or grandmother or grandfather. Wrap yourself around every mother who lost a son or a daughter and every father who could not rescue his child or children. Hide them under your wing and bring mercy to them...
13 August, 2008
Folding clothes with daddy
10 Things I love about you...
1. I love how you LOVE to snuggle
2. I love your compasionate heart
3. I love when you laugh from your belly
4. I love how you "daddy" our son
5. I love when you dance in our kitchen
6. I love that you watch my girly shows with me
7.I love that you rub my head everynight and apologize when you are too worn out to do it
8. I love that you shower me with words of affirmation
9.I love that you apologize quickly
10. I love falling more in love with you
1. I love how you LOVE to snuggle
2. I love your compasionate heart
3. I love when you laugh from your belly
4. I love how you "daddy" our son
5. I love when you dance in our kitchen
6. I love that you watch my girly shows with me
7.I love that you rub my head everynight and apologize when you are too worn out to do it
8. I love that you shower me with words of affirmation
9.I love that you apologize quickly
10. I love falling more in love with you
13 April, 2008
new birth
it's funny how things can be birthed in our lives.. I mean I love mushrooms.. but if I think about how they are birthed and what they grow in .. well it's just not a pleasant thought.. but if I think about them sliced and diced on my steak.. or in a salad.. or on pizza I can feel warm fuzzies flooding my body!! haha.. and so the Word says that ALL things work for the good to those that love the Lord.. and so I know that no matter what state I am in or my life is in .. no matter what is surrounding me.. that He will make it all work together for the good.. and so I just want to encourage all of you out there.. that when life is just a pile of dung.. well look up to the heavens and cry out with JOY that the Lord has all things in His hands.. and that you don't have to worry about working it out.. because He will..now if I could just get rid of these hives......
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